Dear Mum,

I was so glad when I received your letter, because I’m feeling quite alone and lost. It is so horrible here in jail being locked up with all these guys. It is very difficult not to forget who I really am. I avoid looking into the a mirror over the steel sink in my cell, because each time I do I am scared about the face that is looking back at mine. It is often swollen from the tears, and it is sad and intimidated. I never felt so unsure about me all my life before. That I can’t recognize my face any more is only an example, but I also have difficulties to remember who I really am because life in jail and the trial changed me. Sometimes I think I’m lying to myself like all the other guys do here. In jail, you must forget who you are to protect yourself that they can’t touch your soul, but you mustn’t protect yourself from yourself so you don’t know who you are anymore. It is very difficult to cut the link between those two possibilities. I think I didn’t manage yet. Therefore, I understand dad wondering about me, his own son, because I can’t ask him to know who I am if even I am not sure about myself.
Do you remember the Bible you brought me some time ago? It is at the moment the only thing that gives me some kind of reassurance. I’m saying “some kind of” because the distraction while reading it is most of the help it offers, but I hardly take in a word. Though, I wrote words like salvation, grace and compassion in my notebook.
I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think it was a good idea not to tell Jerry the truth about me. In my view, you must tell him what really happened, because he is old enough to understand what jail and felonious murder means, and I am sure this won’t make him no longer trusting me. Of course, he will be shocked, but you have no choice because Jerry is able to build up his own opinion and I want him to have a real one about me, too. Perhaps his view of things will even help me to be myself again.
I am glad to hear that you rely on Miss O’Brien that she will manage to convince the jury of giving a verdict of ‘not guilty’. Though, when I asked her whether she thought we will win the trial, she said that it depended on what I meant by win. Perhaps you can ask her what this means when you telephone her again. Please tell me what she said on Tuesday. I’m looking forward to seeing you!

Give my love to dad and especially Jerry!

Steve

Marianne